Unsolicited Relationship Advice to the Stars

Babe movie star Minka Kelly offers her advice to would-be suitors in this Men’s Health article, but in a city as strange as Los Angeles, she’s going to need to narrow down her criteria a little bit further. In the spirit of celebrities offering their unsolicited advice on a host of foreign policy and defense issues (check out Rosie’s suckass blog) that they are completely uninformed about, I thought it would be appropriate if I gave her my advice on meeting Mr. Right. If there’s absolutely nothing I know about, it’s relationships with the opposite sex! So without further adieu, here’s my advice column:

Minka says a man has to be a skilled craftsman: "A man has to be good with his hands. He can't be a person who needs to hire someone to do handiwork. I can change the oil in my car. If you can't change your oil, we have a problem."

LT N sez: I recommend finding a man who also knows how to install a sweetass spoiler with epoxy and duct tape on his '91 Ford Probe, that and an airbrushed Jesus on the hood. You can cruise the Sunset Strip in style that way and be the envy of all your girlfriends.

Minka wants a man who can listen: "A lot of guys don't know how to just listen. They'll talk and talk, and I just want them to get to know me. That's attractive. You don't want to come across as someone who can only talk about himself."

LT N sez: I would recommend going down to the local gym in Santa Monica and finding the guy doing squats in front of the mirror that looks like Schwarzenegger during his steroid years. This sheer narcissism and stupidity ensures you’ve got a guy that is barely capable of putting together a grammatically correct sentence. That way he will blindly stare while you gab about important issues such as: what you ate for lunch, how many pairs of shoes you own, and how many text messages you sent to your friend at the Zanzibar club the previous evening.

Minka needs a man from a troubled family: A man should love his family, but I don't do well with guys who come from perfect families. He has to be a little complicated and broken. I can't relate to the perfectly home-bred boy. I want someone who has had pain in his life and learned from it.

LT N sez: Do a check on the web for the area’s registered sex offenders and ensure that there is at least one kid-toucher with his last name. Emotional instability will ensure you have total control of the situation.

Minka wants an honest man: I think brutal honesty is extremely important. Don't be afraid of being up-front about your feelings and your life. I'd rather be an honest friend than a phony lover.

LT N sez: You’d really be opening the flood gates on this one for a first date. Try to find that “man of mystery”, but don’t dig too deep on his cryptic mystique until years later. Nothing’s worse than finding out the guy is a werewolf or a scientologist the first time you invite him over to your place after a night of debauchery.

Oh yeah, happy St. Patty’s day everybody. This may be the one holiday where I’m sober and everyone else is wasted.