18 March 2008

Unsolicited Relationship Advice to the Stars

Babe movie star Minka Kelly offers her advice to would-be suitors in this Men’s Health article, but in a city as strange as Los Angeles, she’s going to need to narrow down her criteria a little bit further. In the spirit of celebrities offering their unsolicited advice on a host of foreign policy and defense issues (check out Rosie’s suckass blog) that they are completely uninformed about, I thought it would be appropriate if I gave her my advice on meeting Mr. Right. If there’s absolutely nothing I know about, it’s relationships with the opposite sex! So without further adieu, here’s my advice column:

Minka says a man has to be a skilled craftsman: "A man has to be good with his hands. He can't be a person who needs to hire someone to do handiwork. I can change the oil in my car. If you can't change your oil, we have a problem."
LT N sez: I recommend finding a man who also knows how to install a sweetass spoiler with epoxy and duct tape on his '91 Ford Probe, that and an airbrushed Jesus on the hood. You can cruise the Sunset Strip in style that way and be the envy of all your girlfriends.

Minka wants a man who can listen: "A lot of guys don't know how to just listen. They'll talk and talk, and I just want them to get to know me. That's attractive. You don't want to come across as someone who can only talk about himself."
LT N sez: I would recommend going down to the local gym in Santa Monica and finding the guy doing squats in front of the mirror that looks like Schwarzenegger during his steroid years. This sheer narcissism and stupidity ensures you’ve got a guy that is barely capable of putting together a grammatically correct sentence. That way he will blindly stare while you gab about important issues such as: what you ate for lunch, how many pairs of shoes you own, and how many text messages you sent to your friend at the Zanzibar club the previous evening.

Minka needs a man from a troubled family: A man should love his family, but I don't do well with guys who come from perfect families. He has to be a little complicated and broken. I can't relate to the perfectly home-bred boy. I want someone who has had pain in his life and learned from it.
LT N sez: Do a check on the web for the area’s registered sex offenders and ensure that there is at least one kid-toucher with his last name. Emotional instability will ensure you have total control of the situation.

Minka wants an honest man: I think brutal honesty is extremely important. Don't be afraid of being up-front about your feelings and your life. I'd rather be an honest friend than a phony lover.
LT N sez: You’d really be opening the flood gates on this one for a first date. Try to find that “man of mystery”, but don’t dig too deep on his cryptic mystique until years later. Nothing’s worse than finding out the guy is a werewolf or a scientologist the first time you invite him over to your place after a night of debauchery.

Oh yeah, happy St. Patty’s day everybody. This may be the one holiday where I’m sober and everyone else is wasted.


gage said...

Hilarious, LT!

So, Minka needs what? A neurotic shade tree mechanic with low self-esteem who fights with his family and has a tendency to tactlessly blurt out whatever's own his mind?


Can you hook me up with her?

Bag Blog said...

It is kind of interesting that at the end of "Band of Brothers" it mentions that Lt. Nixon was married several times before he finally got it right with a woman appropriately named Grace. Some men just choose poorly when it comes to women. It makes you wonder what Lt. N was looking for in a woman before he stumbled upon the right one.

Anonymous said...

Well, this young lady certainly has some points worked out for herself. Always good to have a goal in mind (???!!) when shopping -- uh, I mean searching for a significant other.

But I'm sure you, Lt. Nixon -- be ye male or female under your so-called disguise -- could maybe get some pointers from her, bec., wow, she really has it all together, huh?

And that's coming from me, big voice of experience!! (I just told Ooogabooga on B-5 I'd take him out drinking tonight to celebrate St. P. Day. Holy mud!)

Anonymous said...

I think "LT Nixon's Advice for the Stars" should be a regular feature. There is some really great potential for it.

Tin Ma'am said...

LT... so this is the type of girl you're wanting huh? that female stalker you've been longing for.

LT Nixon said...

Glad you all aren't offended by my crass sense of humor. I'm sure you have surmised that I am single. Tin Ma'am, I always hope that someone will stalk me (females only though), and on a unrelated note, for some reason I can't get the feed on your blog too work. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

Damn-it Lt, I spit up my coke on my keyboard from laughing so hard.