16 May 2008

Accurate Predictions for 2013

There's been a lot of blog buzz about McCain's predictions for the year 2013 of smiley-faced Americans, bipartisan cooperation, and Osama Bin Laden in the clink. I have always come to expect the worse, so here are three predictions based on three presidencies that were run through a super computer at the Pentagon that uses the same algorithm that they use in Vegas for sports betting.

#1) The Road Warrior Scenario: McCain wins in 2009 and launches a full-out nuclear war with China and Russia due to his bizarre preoccupation with the Cold War. Life becomes a brute struggle for survival in the wasteland that was once known as America. Red-Staters and Blue-Staters split off to form separate societies and go to war with each other over a big tanker full of gasoline. Fortunately for the ladies, Aussie hunk Mel Gibson shows up and saves the day, because all sexuality went out the window when the rest of the surviving men lost all their hair and their faces peeled off due to radiation sickness.

Take that, Karl Rove!

#2) The new Dawn of the Dead scenario (where the zombies can fucking run!): Obama wins in 2009 and due to his lack of foreign policy expertise (thanks Subrookie) and focuses all of his efforts on domestic issues. The great "mood enhancement" of 2010 involves giving everyone federally proscribed health care to all Americans to make them happy 24/7. Unfortunately, due to a bureaucratic slip up, all us regular schmoes get administered an experimental drug that turns every citizen into a zombie. Due to the cult-like following of Obama as Prez, these zombies are motivated and can run, unlike the slow moving flesh-eaters in the Romero original. Civilization is reduced to zombies ravaging the earth looking for "Hope & Change" and some brains.

Note: Flag Lapel Pins for Zombies are optional

#3) The Starship Troopers scenario: President Bush invades Iran in October 2008, declares himself "President for Life", and institutes martial law on the home front, thereby canceling the 2008 elections. Bloggers initially flip out, but a new society is created where everyone in America has to be in the military or they become a second-class citizen. Due to the lack of bickering in our new fascist society, mankind perfects interstellar travel in 4 short years. 2013 sees the start of Operation Klendathu Freedom, where we travel light years away to wage war against the bugs for them having something to do with 9/11.

Just like Baghdad

Personally, if I had to pick one scenario, it'd be #3. At least I'd get some steamy co-ed shower action prior to getting massacred by the Arachnids.