24 July 2008

Surviving The Hope and Change Apocalypse

Don't Expect The Media To See Trouble Ahead

Sen. Obama's toughest issue was probably gonna be Iraq, primarily since he staked a lot of political capital in The Surge failing...and it didn't. Therefore, logic would follow that connecting Obama with Iraq in the media would lead to a dip in his poll numbers, but he actually remains the front-runner. The media has a serious boner for the guy, and they're much more likely to seize on McCain's geezerly gaffes than berate Obama for flopping on issues. Your normally snarky left-leaning bloggers wouldn't dream of spiting the Obama messiah, and the only conclusion one can reach at this point is that Obama has got 4 years of the presidency locked up. Anyone with a remotely conservative ideology on any issue is probably going to get left behind like a prom-night dumpster baby.

It's best to concoct a rule of guidelines if you're not exactly feeling the "Hope and Change", because the paradigm is a-shiftin' and the country is going to be different, and, also, I can't flee the country until my service is up in mid-2009. Of course, I'm a Lib, so I'm perpetually disgruntled anyways.

  • Taxes are going to go way up to pay for all Obama's swell federal programs. Plan on establishing an offshore account in the Cayman Islands, or, if you aren't a wealthy CEO, just blow it all on booze n' hookers before the IRS can get their mitts on it.
  • The proverbial "Smug" is going to be emananting profusely from liberal cities like Boston, SF, and Denver, since many there believe that the government is the patron saint of all things righteous. Avoid the gaggle of bumper-stickered Volvos by taking a one-year job in Antartica.
  • Left-leaning political humor blogs (e.g. The Onion, Wonkette) are going to become really boring as they have no Larry Craig-type Senators to lampoon. Write emails to these websites encouraging them to transform their image into freaky fetish sites.
  • Liberals sometimes think that anyone who doesn't subscribe to their ideology is some social miscreant masturbating to pictures of assault rifles. Play up this stereotype by walking around town with a sawed-off shotgun, a "Get the U.S. Out of the U.N." patch, and a trench coat to readily expose yourself.
  • Supporting the war against Islamic extremists is more important than any one presidential administration. But Obama should be blamed for everything else wrong in the world including why there aren't more pandas and that stupid cankersore on the left side of your tongue.
  • Remember, they say "Suicide is Painless" and it should always be kept on the list of options.