07 August 2008

A Modest Proposal For The Not-So-Modestly Obese

Your Future Self If You Don't Listen to LT Nixon

In case you've happened to attend a monster truck rally, shop at the Wal-Mart, or go to the All-You-Can eat Pizza Hut buffet on Tuesdays, you've probably noticed that America's waistline is expanding faster than a Baby Boomer's sense of self-worth. It's no secret that artery-clogging fatitude has replaced boy bands as the greatest societal ill of the millennium. Fatsos spilling their blubber into your personal space on a cramped flight, the required use of a broomstick to shove your chubby little kid out the door in the morning, and having to wade into oncoming traffic to avoid the morbidly obese gentleman approaching you on the sidewalk. According to a recent study in Obesity magazine, the situation is not going to improve anytime soon. They predict that 100% of American adults will be obese by the year 2048. Reason pokes some holes in the statistical analysis, but there is no way anyone on the internet could be wrong.

The authorities seem to have some "bright idears" about how to solve this problem, such as banning fast, delicious, and cheap food from certain areas of our great nation. But this represents a crass government intrusion into our freedom, and mainstream trends can only be fostered from the grass roots. That's why it's necessary to ridicule the living bejeezus out of fatsos until they change their tune and dieting patterns.

In our current American society, we are so concerned with being politically correct and not offending anybody, that we are afraid of getting up in some lardass' face when they buy the last 10 hot dogs at the football stadium. Next time some fat fuck hits you in the parking lot with their Rascal that is scraping the asphalt, tell them to lose some weight for god sake's. Also, no more engaing in the "jumping on the grenade" practice at bars and clubs. If your buddy is talking to some babe, and her girlfriend is a monstrously-sized heifer, just go sulk in the corner by the DJ. This post applies to the ladies as well! You shouldn't care if a guy has a swell personality, is rich, and saved a bunch of orphans in Africa. If the dude is looking like Marlon Brando after a twinkie-binge, you should be embarrassed.

The more we denigrate and mock our nation's obese, the sooner we, as Americans, will free up room to take elevators, ride the subway, and not vomit in public.

Suggested Bumper Sticker or Yard Sign


Anonymous said...

you're acting like a judgmental ass. True, obesity is a problem, but quite a few have health problems that make it extremely difficult to loose weight. Also, they are ridiculed more than enough! I'd like to see you be obese, you bastard.

Nixon said...

I choose to forego the 100 tacos for a $100 deal, seems to help keep the obesity at a minimum.