25 August 2008

My Shameless Product Loyalty to Microsoft, You Suck Apple

MacNinja, the only decent Apple product recorded in history

Seeing how I've utilized Microsoft products since the MS-DOS days (you younguns may be surprised that getting the sound card on your computer to work properly to play Doom was once a baffling ordeal), and since Microsoft is the second largest company native to WA state, I may be a bit biased in favor of them. That's why I took offense at the hipsters over at Crave mercilessly mocking Microsoft for selecting Jerry Seinfeld as the new spokesman for Vista. These techy bozos suggested using the Borg to offer "sex appeal" to Microsoft, and they also proposed having Mr. Burns be the spokesman to highlight Microsoft's supposed plutocracy. Cram that pink iPod down your throat, poindexters, because I've got some spokesman suggestions for the hopelessly inferior products that Apple turns out to the mindless masses of the world. Possible Apple spokesmen:

1) Dennis Blunden (The Fat Kid from Head of the Class): Dennis always liked to talk up a big game to Mr. Moore, a real freakin' show-off, but most of his snappy commentary was derived from the superior intellect and innovation of his unsung, nerdy friend Arvid (who looks shockingly similar to a young Bill Gates). This is similar to the Mac OS ripping off ideas from Windows to package as its own. However, like Dennis, Mac's operating systems have been fat, slow, and annoying.

2) Jack Johnson (horrendous musical talent and unfathomable douchebag): Jack Johnson's laid back tunes, that speak to a wasted life of leisure, and penchant for surfing to up his cool quotient are similar to the hipster marketing ploy that Apple has developed to pawn off their iPhones to a generation of saps. The preposterous line of thinking that the iPhone is somehow "the evolution of man" led to a recent ad using 2001: A Space Odyssey footage to sell off this consumer monstrosity. Like Jack Johnson's All at Once organization, an environmental ploy to sell more records to you suckers, the self-righteousness inherent within the Apple community to dump more plastic trinkets on the global populace is appalling.

3) Randy Constan as Peter Pan (the internet celebrity who just can't grow up): The juvenile hordes of iPod abusers, who can barely glance up from their MP3 playlists to engage in a civilized conversation, have a natural tendency to gravitate towards the antics of Peter Pan, the boy who just can't grow up. Randy Constan's hilarious tight-fitting outfits are a symbol for a generation of Apple users who never could stomach the crushing reality of adulthood, and drown themselves in a sea of infantile products to delude themselves. Also, Randy Constan's internet fame peaked around 2001-2002, which is the same time Mac's Ad campaigns reached their height of silly with the Ellen Feiss ad, a girl stoned out of her gourd giving a mumbling rendition of why you should throw money down the drain for a Mac. There has been nothing funny from Apple or Randy Constan ever since.