24 October 2008

Great FAIL Moments in Presidential Assassination History

Manson Family Wacko, Squeaky Fromme, Really Leveled the Gender Playing Field for Presidential Assassinations

Everyone knows about angry, hillbilly southerner John Wilkes Booth waxing Lincoln (our favorite gay president) at Ford's Theater , but what about all the loser assassins who couldn't get the job done. Cracked has a pretty interesting piece on six botched attempts throughout our violent American history. They highlight the first attempt on JFK's life, which was totally lame:
This bought time for the good guys to work through the diabolical clues he mailed out. And by that we mean the postmaster glanced at the dates and postmarks and told the Secret Service where he was. By the time he was working on his second attempt on Kennedy's life, the cops were closing in.

When they pulled him over, the cops found seven sticks of dynamite wired in the vehicle. Pavlick originally had much more, but when he became nervous about getting caught he removed most of it, apparently under the impression that it's ok to have just a few explosives in your trunk at any given time.
Although, I was bit disappointed in Cracked that they didn't include the assassination attempt on America's best alternate universe president, Lyndon Larouche. He explains that he was targeted for extermination by the U.S. Justice Department working with former Soviet Premier Gorbachev because of his involvement with the SDI program. Also, because Larouche wanted to round up every gay person in California to put in camps during the 80s, he was targeted for assassination as well. I can't make this shit up.