11 May 2008

Iraq Security Threats That a 3rd Grader Could Understand

Everything in Iraq is exceedingly complex, and the security situation is no different. As operations ramp down in Sadr City and ramp up in Mosul it's necessary to have an update for situational awareness purposes. Since this blog is not exactly the height of intellectual achievement for the 21st century, and I'm competing for bandwidth with American Idol gossip in the blogosphere, it's best to dumb it down a notch and explain what security threats are present. In easy to follow methodology from south to north:

Basra: Big city with competing militias, let's just call them all "thugs". Lots of oil and exports means lots of corruption. The Iraqi military men beat up the thugs last month. You don't hear much about Basra anymore.

Najaf/Karbala: Very holy cities and very quiet. Many Iraqis and Iranians make holy pilgrimages down here. Many Americans in suits in Washington don't talk about this, because Islam is bad and so are Iranians.

Rural areas south of Baghdad: Mostly agricultural. Bad terrorist men moved in after 2003. Bad terrorist men were kicked out by US forces in 2007 during "surge". Now Iraqis keep their villages safe. News men in America don't talk about this, since the "surge" didn't work because Bush is a bad man.

Anbar Province: Used to be very nasty place with bad "insurgents". Many foreign terrorists came to wage war on America. America worked with tribes to kick them out. Some terrorists still around in desert, but not many. News men like to talk about a civil war in Iraq between the tribes in Anbar and Baghdad, but there's no evidence that this will happen.

Baghdad: Iraq's biggest city. Some terrorists came, but they got kicked out during surge. Lots of militia men, since there's not enough the Iraqi government can do. Lots of American troops too. Lots of Iranian weapons in Baghdad. News men and bloggers like to deny that these weapons exist, because it's what Bush says, like Iranian weapons are a big joke or something. But Americans always have to run and hide when rockets and EFPs from Iran start blowing up around us in Baghdad. That's not a joke.

Northern Provinces (big cities are Mosul, Baqubah, Kirkuk, Tikrit, and Tal Afar): Some terrorist bad people hanging around making Iraqis misreable, especially in Mosul. Americans and Iraqis working hard to get rid of them.

Kurdistan (Dahuk, Irbil, Sulaymaniyah): Very prosperous. Almost no US military presence, because they have everything under control. That's why you never hear about it. Sometimes PKK clowns attack Turkey and Turkey drops bombs...then you hear about it on the news.

Mr. Smiley Sun: He gets mad starting in June, it's pretty damn hot in Iraq.

Any questions?