07 May 2008

The Real Reason I'm in the Service

So, I didn't really join the military out of patriotism, to make my granddaddy proud, or to meet the ladies with my dorky dress whites. It was actually a clever ruse so that I could obtain a security clearance and thereby get the inside scoop on all the shadowy government conspiracies that "teh internets" led me to believe were existent. You know what I'm talking about. The monkeys that came back from space super-intelligent, the secret alien treaties with the CIA to get super-sweet technology, the experiment on the USS Philadelphia in the 40s where everyone got teleported through the space-time continuum, and of course the Trilateral commission who controls all the banks and oil prices.

Unfortunately, I came to realize that the internet took advantage of me like a nerdy chick on prom night, because it was all bullshit...and I still had 4.5 years left on my contract. If only I had heard from Mike Baker, former CIA spook and Fox News contributor, earlier in life (h/t OleGreyDog7):

I would insist that all Americans, at some point between their 18th and 28th birthdays, work for the federal government for one year.
Eventually, over a period of a couple of generations, this shared experience and peak behind the curtain would completely extinguish all conspiracy theories regarding how the government does any of the following:
• Secretly controls the entire planet
• Runs a secret cabal dedicated to the extermination of civil liberties
• Manipulates the price of oil to serve American political interests
• Maintains a warehouse stacked to the ceiling with captured aliens

Damnit! Another life lesson learned way too late...just like when I heard huffing gasoline causes brain damage at the age of 24.

Being in the inner circle: Not as cool as the internet told me