11 August 2008

Ideas From 70s movies Could Spice Up the Olympics

Canada Wins Women's Badminton! (besides off-color jokes about shuttlecocks, this shit is zzz-inducing)

So I just finished nodding off after watching Men's Volleyball in the rain at Beijing, and I probably would've better spent my Sunday afternoon watching reruns of Mama's Family. Why is the Olympics so absolutely boring? Asian Sweetheart suggests more scantily-clad babes, while Reason says the end of the Cold War has lessened the stakes of the games. We probably aren't going to have a Miracle on Ice scenario, like in 1980 against the hated USSR, with people chanting "USA, USA, USA!" after the Women's Fencing Team sweep. So, let's face it, while the standing ovation for the Iraqi team was a significant moment, the Olympics in this day and age is totally lame. Fortunately, some cinematic classics from the 1970s offer hope on how to improve the schnooze-ridden games.

Rollerball: Imagine a world without the brutality of war and troublesome international boundaries, where mankind feeds their incessant bloodlust by watching a horribly violent game where people kick the crap out of each other on roller skates. This Olympic sport could settle disputes such as the conflict over Southern Ossetia without the associated civilian casualties. Plus, we could worship the lone survivor of this gorefest and have him or her lead us into Utopia.

Death Race 2000: The Olympics highlights the most genetically favored that have chosen a lifestyle of fitness and health to represent each respective nation. Normal folks hate people like that. An Olympics event like Death Race 2000, where competitors drive across the countryside running over people for points, would involve the common man like no other. It would also help the rural Chinese become more modernized, as they would have to be on the lookout for 2 tons of industrial reality with Sylvester Stallone at the wheel.

The Warriors: The Furies were the only good thing to come out of the otherwise dull sport of baseball. With their combination of make-up and pinstripes, you know they are not the gang to fuck with. A baseball-type event at the Olympics, where whacking people with bats was not just illegal, but encouraged, could provide interest for an international audience. It would also give a pretty good advantage to Team America.

While these movies are all three decades old, they clearly envisioned sporting events that could propel interest well into the 21st-century.