02 September 2008

Endangered Species of Mullet Threatened by Local Hairdresser

Mulletus Awesomeus species threatened in Port Orchard, WA

With the decline in hair metal at the beginning of the last decade, as evidenced by the fist-fight between Brett Michaels and CC Deville at the 91 MTV Music Awards, the mullet has been an endangered species in our fair country. The "Business up front, party in the back" ethos, which made us all feel so good about ourselves in the 80s, has gone by the wayside to make room for a generation of people woefully upset and guilt-ridden about global warming, worldwide poverty, and other politically correct causes. It is no longer socially acceptable to forego any sense of self-consciousness to strut around the mall in an Iron Maiden leather jacket while trying to get high school girls to come check out your '87 Camaro. The mullet can occasionally be spotted at Nascar racing events, midwestern amusement parks, and strip clubs in Reno, but it has long been an endangered species.

This is why I was outraged to learn that a city in the encironemntally-conscious state of WA is engaging in a campaign to maliciously purge the minority mullet population. From the Seattle Times (pictures here):
It's been more than five years since Julea Penland launched her mission "to beautify Kitsap County one mullet at a time."

The beautician began offering free haircuts to anyone sporting the once-popular "business in the front, party in the back" hairstyle because she believes they perpetuate negative stereotypes about Kitsap County.

But didn't Ms. Penland think of the cultural link to history that the mullet provides? Further in the Seattle Times:

A recent unscientific poll in Kitsap County revealed few true "legal mullets," but numerous near misses. A few men with true mullets refused to acknowledge they sported the hairstyle, while others were unrepentant about their mullet-dom.

"I know everybody makes fun of them, but I don't care," said Nick Marks, a 49-year-old yard-maintenance man from Olalla who prefers to call his hairdo " '70s style."

"My old lady likes me with my long hair and she'd kill me if I cut it off," he said.

Using the term "old lady" when referring to your spouse harkens back to a more simpler, innocent America, and the ethnic cleansing campaign to eradicate our mullet population must be stopped. Please look at these beautiful, majestic animals and write your congressman to stop the mullet genocide (all pics from Mullets Galore):

The black in the Trans Am brings out the white in the Acid-washed Denim

Ratt and Tube Socks, what more could you want, ladies?The only word to descrive this mullet: bitchin'