Federal Bailout of My Unprofitable Old Timey Bike Business

Before I forced to join the Navy out of economic desperation, my brother and I started a business to bring classic 19th century bicycles back to America's streets and thoroughfares. The vision was that getting from Point A to Point B should be a gentleman's endeavor, while the tall height of eye and tight-fitting britches would prove irresistible to the lasses. Unfortunately, with the grotesquely large front wheel making it a baffling ordeal to even get on the seat, we had no interested buyers.

Luckily, my grossly unprofitable business can be bailed out along with a bunch of other corrupt bankers for the tune of $1,000,000 (which includes the cost of psychological damages). Thanks BuyMyShitPile.com and thank you Paulson for saving poor performing American businesses!

(h/t Reason is who is trying to get a government bailout for their bedazzler)