17 October 2008

Could Joe the Plumber Actually Be Jihad Joe the Terrorist?

A shocking resemblance!

Joe the Plumber has captivated the nation's heart as an allegorical representation of the ultimate swing voter. This hapless fella from Ohio even was subjected to a press conference, and he seems completely baffled as to why he has reached 15-minutes of fame. Says Joe:

"I'm a flash in the pan, not a megastar," Wurzelbacher told reporters today. "I'm not Matt Damon. I'm not any of those guys who have droves of women and men who want to be them or will vote for them because Matt Damon said so. I love his movies but I don't have that kind of power."
Joe's questioning of Obama seemed to trip up the presidential candidate a bit, so, naturally, surrogates in the netroots were quick to fully disclose Joe's personal information [Daily Kos], accuse him of being a devious Keating Five operative [Crooks and Liars], and even mentioned that a tax lien was placed against him for the shocking amount of $1,183 [Politico]. But this is all small potatoes compared to the question they should really be asking: Is Joe actually a terrorist out to derail the Obama campaign? There's that Adam Gadahn Al-Qaeda fatso still at large, and Joe himself is really packing on the pounds and bears some resemblance (he's from the state of Ohio which is known for trouble). Joe also has a pack of smokes prominently displayed on his coffee table, presumably to lace with PCP and give to children on Halloween to get them to vote McCain. So you netrootsy people really need to dig deeper into this incredible controversy.

Unfortunately for Joe and through no fault of his own, he will be discarded into the cultural abyss of other one-hit wonders like Jared from Subway and Vanilla Ice. Maybe Wek's idea to have Joe the Plumber and Joe the Sixpack hold a thunderdome-style Battle Royale would be a good way to make the last few weeks of this election not completely unbearable. Other than that, leave Joe alone, you assholes.