All The Rage That's Fit to Print

To not scare off the 71% of people that support Obama, I generally get my anti-messiah rage on over at the other blog. Drop by if you like to read (or leave menacing comments) about the inauguration being interrupted by sham-wow commercials, Brownshirts 2.0, and other brickbats.

Also, a new blog from a sub Junior Officer (my old community) has started up called Don't Call Me Sir, which I have high hopes for. There's some pretty solid blogging from senior officers about strategic Naval policy out there already. This is more to revel in the mountains of work controls paperwork, re-live 6 hours of standing watch in a box, and learn about what it's like to have your skin flake off while underway. Fun for the whole fam! I fear he might be subjugated by the "hoo-yah brigade" to write more "upbeat" musings about the submarine force, but I stand by the policy that if you're not pissing off someone with your blog, you're fucking up.

Non-Sequitur Flashback From 2006

For some reason, this article in Military Times brought up some vivid memories:

But thanks to modern technology, as many as 50,000 service members deployed to the most remote and rugged locations — think the mountains of Afghanistan, or a submerged submarine — also will be able to catch the big game.

So there we were in 2006 on some underway doing a bunch of exercises and inspections to get ready for a fun-filled deployment of more time at sea. We were able to somehow get the Super Bowl onboard (which kept getting knocked off the broadcast because submarine comms are notoriously shoddy). I was on watch, which didn't matter because I'm not the world's biggest sports fan, and our Supply Officer each hooked us up with, not just one, but two alcohol-free beers! I remember how awesome I thought this was at the time. This was shortly followed by a sudden epiphany that I either need to 1) end my life or 2) get a new life. yvaN ehT nioJ!

Somali Pirates Swimming With the Sharks

From Al-Jazeera English:

The pirates were among eight men whose boat overturned off the coast of Kenya in a storm as they left the Sirius Star following a two-month standoff that ended on Friday, a pirate and a relative of one of the dead men said.

"Six of our boys perished at the sea while coming from the released Saudi supertanker," Mohamed Said told the AFP news agency.

"The small boat that was carrying those killed and eight who survived was overloaded and at high speed, we have been told by the survivors.

"They were afraid of a chase from outsiders [foreign naval forces] who invaded Somalia waters," he said.

The group's $300,000 share of the ransom was also lost, he said.

Mmmm, I wonder if they taste like chicken.

Full U.S. Navy photos of the MV Sirius Star available.

Tanker Scares Off Pirates With Water Hoses

If fire hoses work on Greenpeace and hippie protesters, I suppose it would work on pirates too. A Greek oil tanker chased off some Somali pirates in the Gulf of Aden. From AP:

Crewmen fired high pressure water jets to fight off heavily armed Somali pirates trying to board a Greek oil tanker in the dangerous Gulf of Aden on Friday in the fourth such attack since the start of the year, authorities said.

The pirates in three speedboats and armed with guns and rocket-propelled grenades twice tried to board the Greek-flagged Kriti Episkopi but were scared off when the crew turned fire hoses on them and EU aircraft scrambled from a nearby EU naval flotilla to help, company and Greek government officials said.

A strong statement on the ability of maritime self-defense while these pirates continue to make a laughing stock out of international shipping and worldwide Navies. The USNI blog had some cheap ideas on how to effectively combat this menace, and I hope someone from 5th Fleet was paying attention.

67 Years Ago

I used to be a Pearl Harbor sailor, so shame on me for posting this so late in the day. But 67 years ago was the infamous attacks on Pearl Harbor that devastated our Pacific Fleet and formally brought us into WWII. I wrote a lengthier piece last year, but all I can think about this year is the oil leak from the USS Arizona. It's drips out steadily at the memorial almost like the entombed are talking. I wonder what they would say if they knew that America would rise from the ashes to defeat the Japanese? It's odd to think about what they would think of our country today.

Great News: Somali Pirates Seize Saudi Supertanker

From CNN international:

The Sirius Star -- a crude "super tanker" flagged in Liberia and owned by the Saudi Arabian-based Saudi Aramco company -- was attacked on Saturday more than 450 nautical miles southeast of Mombasa, Kenya.

The crew of 25, including British, Croatian, Polish, Filippino and Saudi nationals, are reported to be safe

U.S. Navy Fifth Fleet Cmdr. Jane Campbell said the super tanker weighs more than 300,000 metric tons and "is more than three times the size of a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier."

Supertankers are the hulking beasts of the high seas, and this one was reportedly carrying a full load of 2M barrels of crude. Despite some new techniques being developed to combat piracy, it seems like the international community is losing this battle. That's great for a band of marauding thugs off the coast of Africa, bad for the rest of the world that depends on commerce.

Wired: Danger Room has more details.

Somali Pirates to Get Blasted with 140db of Angus

The Telegraph reports that the U.S. Navy is seeking non-lethal methods to fight piracy involving AC/DC:

A second system, the Long Range Acoustic Device targets a suspect with a 500 yard beam of excruciating noise. Sailors can attach the device to an Ipod or MP3 player to repel pirate boats with renditons such as Hells Bells by the heavy metal group AC:DC.

International navies are having some recent successes against the pirates, but pumping out AC/DC might not have the desired effect. Have you ever heard Angus' intro to Thunderstruck, it's pretty bad ass! The ATF tried using Jingle Bell Rock to flush out the Branch Davidians, and even that didn't work. Allow me to suggest piping the tune "Jesus is My Friend" from our Naval forces. No person could survive 30 seconds of this (h/t Sisu):

USS Michael Monsoor

Pretty cool. Medal of Honor reciptient, Michael Monsoor, was a Navy Seal KIA in Ramadi. The new Zumwault-class Destroyer will be named after him and Some Soldier's Mom has the full press release. There have been very few who have received our nation's highest honor this decade, and this is a much more fitting show of respect than getting some lousy park in the exurbs named after you.

Somali Pirates To Get Theirs

It's on now. From ABC:

The European Union (EU) is planning to launch an anti-piracy operation off the coast of Somalia where a stand-off continues between several warships and pirates who have hijacked a ship. The hijacking of a freighter carrying military equipment off the coast of Somalia a week ago has highlighted the danger shipping faces in that area.Pirates are demanding a $20 million ransom for the Ukranian ship Faina, which is carrying 33 Russian tanks. Somali pirates regularly target freighters that use the shipping lanes between the Indian Ocean and the Gulf of Aden. The European Union has resolved to take military action against the pirates. At least nine EU countries will join an air and sea operation, which aims to safeguard one the world's key trading routes.

Merchant trafficking in international waters is a fundamental right and incredibly important to keep modern society afloat, and dead pirates tell no tales. That's all there is to say about this issue. Just fucking kill these guys and dump their corpses overboard for the sharks. That's the only thing other pirates will understand.

Great News: Mysterious Iranian Boat Loses Toxic Cargo to Somali Pirates

Uh-oh. The Long War Journal has an in-depth report on the Iran Deyanat, which was hijacked by Somali pirates late last month. The ship was supposedly carrying 40K Tons of iron ore from China to Rotterdam, but something seems a little fishy about this payload. From LWJ:

The MV Iran Deyanat was brought to Eyl, a sleepy fishing village in northeastern Somalia, and was secured by a larger gang of pirates - 50 onboard and 50 onshore. Within days, pirates who had boarded the ship developed strange health complications, skin burns and loss of hair. Independent sources tell The Long War Journal that a number of pirates have also died. "Yes, some of them have died. I do not know exactly how many but the information that I am getting is that some of them have died," Andrew Mwangura, Director of the East African Seafarers' Assistance Program, said Friday when reached by phone in Mombasa.

News about the illness and the toxic cargo quickly reached Garowe, seat of the government for the autonomous region of Puntland. Angered over the wave of piracy and suspicious about the Iranian ship, authorities dispatched a delegation led by Minister of Minerals and Oil Hassan Allore Osman to investigate the situation on September 4. Osman also confirmed to The Long War Journal that during the six days he negotiated with the pirates members of the syndicate had become sick and died. "That ship is unusual," he said. "It is not carrying a normal shipment."

The symptoms cited amongst the pirates are consistent with radiation sickness, which causes reddening of the skin, nausea, hair falling out, and looking like an extra from The Day After. It takes over a 100 rads at once to get sick, and unless your standing on top of a critical reactor, getting nuked Strangelove-style, or near High Level Radioactive Waste, it just ain't gonna happen. Even the dreaded yellowcake (processed Uranium ore) probably can't cause these kind of symptoms as seen in Table 4 of this CDC PDF. So, if it's radioactive waste making the "Curious George" pirates puke themselves, it has to be some kind of spent fuel.

Since the last two big internet rumors have turned out to be accurate (see Palin Hacker story and Obama Astroturfing campaign), time to speculate on a new one. Iran is carting around toxic radioactive waste to create a mutant, mop-wielding, Somali Army to wage war against the West! It'll be like The Toxic Avenger, but in Farsi and with less boob shots.

Actually, it might be Iran trying to get rid of their nuclear waste from trying to start up the Bushehr reactor and its enrichment program. So by trying to dodge the pesky IAEA's questions, Iran accidentally shipped a bunch of material for a dirty bomb to the place on earth most resmbling Road Warrior (i.e. Somalia). Way to go, Ahmadinejad.

Or...it could be some kind of chemical weapon coming from China. The Chinese have been accused of providing weaponry to Iran merchants before. No wonder Iranian shipping just got slapped with sanctions.

Sailor Accused of Child Rape

Dahmer-esque crimes seem to be happening in the Navy

Damn. A Bangor-based chief on the USS Ohio stands accused of child rape of a girl aged 13 and a boy when he was between 8 and 12 years old. Not exactly the Honor, Courage, and Commitment the Navy is looking for. This is the 4th child molestation related offense I can count in the last year. The other 3 include:

• Master Chief at Bangor convicted of molesting an 8 year old girl (October 2007)
• Master Chief in charge of base at Kitsap (where the shipyard is) charged with soliciting sex from two 12-year olds in a sting at a Bremerton hotel (March 2007)
• Pearl Harbor sailor accused of molestation of a 13-year old on a flight (January 2008)
  

It's fucked up.

Welcome Aboard, Petty Officer T-1000

But Why Was I Programmed to Feel Pain!

No more "field day" or troublesome and time-consuming preventative maintenance in the Navy seems to be the desired end-state for the CNO. The Navy is developing robots to perform shipboard functions that could render a lot of sailors obsolete. From Navy Times:

Take a good look at that sailor next to you, because he won’t be there in tomorrow’s Navy, according to scientists and industry exhibitors at the Office of Naval Research’s annual Science and Technology conference in Washington Tuesday.

Unmanned systems, already becoming common in aerial battlefields, will continue to edge into the maritime realm to ease the workload of sailors and, in some cases, take their place, researchers said on the first day of the three-day conference.

Anxiety over a Hal 9000 cutting the oxygen supply in the engineering spaces to terminate the crew notwithstanding, this overzealous desire of Big Navy to spend massive amounts of money on government contracts as opposed to actually training sailors to be better craftsmen is not working. CDR Salamander talks about how the lack of training machinists, welders, and techs is having negative implications on the shipbuilding industry. Unless we want to contract out the construction of new combat ships to India and China, it might be better for the Navy to re-think priorities.

Although, the SPAWAR robot lab is pretty interesting pics, and the third photo in the Wired gallery looks like a cross between Gyromite and Jinx from Space Camp.

George Washington Skipper and XO Get Canned; Smokers to Blame

The CO and XO of the carrier USS George Washington have been relieved of command (h/t Stupid Shall Be Punished). WTOP reports:

The announcement by the Navy came as Adm. Robert F. Willard, commander of the U.S. Pacific Fleet, relieved the carrier's commanding officer, Capt. David C. Dykhoff, and the executive officer of duty, Capt. David M. Dober.

Willard said he lost confidence in their ability to command and their failure to meet mission standards after the investigation found that unauthorized smoking by a crew member appeared to have ignited flammable liquids and other combustible material that were improperly stored.

This was a pretty nasty fire that took 12 hours to put out. Many of the Shipyard workers from round here in Bremerton have been sent to San Diego to fix the ship, with damage estimates at $70M. The fact that it was started by smoking will ensure that there will be new Navy-wide regulations to curb nicotine consumption on ships. While out at sea near Guam, we had a refrigerant leak and couldn't smoke for about 30 hours while underway. It was one of my worst days in the Navy...and that's saying a lot! Here comes the morale crushing effects of the Big Navy in 3...2...

41 Years Ago

The Forrestal fire, the worst on any of the Navy's carriers, was 41 years ago this day in the Gulf of Tonkin. 134 sailors were killed due to malfunctioning weaponry followed by burning jet fuel, and it is widely viewed as one of the worst accidents in the post-WWII Navy (along with the Thresher). It took 24 hours to put out the blaze, and anyone in the Navy knows how dangerous a fire on a ship is. Coincidentally, John McCain (LCDR McCain at the time) was on the ship at the time (h/t Gateway Pundit for the vid).

Best Reasons To Join The Navy

Yvan Eht Nioj, you jokels. Here's why:



This is similar to the video the recruiter showed me, but, of course, the IA program hadn't been developed back in 2002. Damn you Mr. Recruiter, you just made the list.

(h/t Sisu)

Final Words From the Emerald City

This deployment has certainly been more interesting than the last two (albeit a lot longer). Primarily because I had access to the internet, and I worked on a staff with many senior officers, which allowed me to fly low on the radar with my relative unimportance. Although, important people frequently counted on me for various pieces of the puzzle in their decision making, and I'll miss that aspect of my existence having a purpose. I also worked with some wonderful people both civilian and military and I wish them the best in their future endeavors. Since I don't have a girlfriend, wife/kids, or any of that other bullshit, I thought it would be interesting to spend all of my free time frantically engaging in an experiment of how America was going about its business while a war went on in Iraq. The blogosphere seemed like the logical place to accomplish this. Iraq has become the most divisive issue of the 21st century in America, and the media and politics of it all can certainly be baffling. However, dissecting all the pieces on a daily basis of our modern world can make all that information less cumbersome to comprehend, and can even be humorous at times. At times in this place, I honestly thought I was going to get killed or seriously injured. Having an interest in something larger than yourself can provide that necessary distraction to focus your mind on other matters. And, of course, just as the blogosphere is more important than just one blog, civilization and humanity as a whole is more important than just one person. The fact that I was able to live a double-life with the U.S. mission in Iraq and some hate-filled blogger helped me get through the days here.

To The Iraqis: I wish you the best for your country. I can't imagine what it's like to have a genocidal dictator like Saddam followed by 5 years of chaos and confusion in post-invasion Iraq. Please know that those in the coalition only want to help you, but some egregious decisions were made in 2003 (de-ba'athification, disbanding the Army, etc.). I hope our current mission has helped kick out the Takfiris and weakened the militia thugs. While my words may ring hallow, please know that I hope your country becomes prosperous and you have a better life.

To The Troops: You guys are by far the best our generation has to offer. We count on you to do America's most dangerous work. Please keep your experience in your heart, and consider entering a profession that will influence society after you transition from military service. I see a lot of problems with what America has become, and you may be our last hope to fix that. For the fallen and injured, we will never forget you.

To The Lefty Pundits: While I understand that you may not like BushCo and his war, please consider that your frequent highlighting of the failures in Iraq may have a devastating psychological effect on those trying to make Iraq better. I am a huge cynic, but I think the current plan is on the right track (at least for Iraq).

To The Right-winger Pundits: While Iran is certainly a troublemaker, you have to ask yourself if an all-out military conflict is really the solution to Hezbollah, EFPs, and a possible nuke. If it is, then you have to take into consideration the huge amount of life that will be lost as well as the fact that we will need a no-joke draft. Are you ready to make that sacrifice?

To The People Reading This: Thanks so much! I've loved each and one of your comments, both supportive and nasty. This has been a unique experience and I appreciate all the feedback and good times. I'll be continuing blogging once I get back to WA state assuming I don't get too damn drunk all the time. While my blog posts have been hate-filled and offensive at times, you have to understand that I'm not a professional writer or intelligent, so being obnoxious is a good way to compensate for that. Please drop me a line if you're in the Puget Sound area, as I'm not a total asshole in person.

Since Kath accused me of being a woman for some reason, I've enclosed a picture of myself plus my one-dollar briefcase my roommate purchased for me at a thrift store, which clearly symbolizes that I'm leaving town.

In the words of the Ramones, Adios Amigos!

LT Nixon Sux

Harvard Troublemakers Hassle Recruiters in Maine

Don't Ask Don't Tell was a policy instituted for the military during the early years of the Clinton administration, which didn't allow gays to serve openly, but prevented the chain of command from questioning someone's sexual orientation. Prior to this policy, homosexuals were not allowed into the military at all. Of course, there are no secrets in the military due to0 the close proximity of living quarters and conversation being the number one way to help pass the time. Everyone knew if someone was gay, and no one really gave a shit. The law is archaic and should probably be repealed. Admiral Mullen even suggested that Congress should consider getting rid of the policy earlier this month, but he made it clear that it was in the hands of elected lawmakers. So why are these know-it-all, self-righteous pukes at Harvard protesting military recruiting stations instead of Washington lawmakers? Politico explains:

“I wouldn’t be able to be completely honest about such an important part of who I am,” he said. “I’m prevented from serving my country in the most open and sincere way.” On May 24, Harvard students — regardless of sexual orientation or desire to serve in the military — will embark on a weeklong coalition-sponsored trip around the east coast to protest the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. At these cities’ military recruiting centers, one openly gay or lesbian student will attempt to enlist for military service. If the student is turned away, volunteers from the group will refuse to leave the recruiting center.

Do these brainiacs at Harvard really want to serve their country or change the system? Please. Harvard has no love for the military, and it booted their ROTC program off campus in 1969 like it was a deranged, smelly homeless man at a wine n' cheese party. The real answer lies in 4 of the protesters being rightfully arrested for makin' trouble. They call it a "badge of honor", which shows that they are just looking for some attention and self-martyrdom. The real losers here are these kids parents who are shelling out 47 grand a year for tuition and board for these ungrateful young punks.

Get a Job, You Fancy Lads! (photo from Harvard Crimson)

Remembering LT Ammon

Former colleague and partner in crime, Olegreydog7, brings us some sad news. A Navy Individual Augmentee and submariner has died in Afghanistan on 20 May from an IED. The submarine JO community is small, and while I didn't personally know LT Ammon, Olegreydog knew him well and served with him on the USS Alabama. He had this to say:

He was a friend of mine from the Bama. Awesome guy. I'm headed to Bangor next week for his memorial. He pinned on my boomer pin, JG bars, dolphins. He would have pinned me an LT, but he was in Thailand, a trip he stole from me. He had seen quite a bit of direct combat. A number of people from his PRT had been killed. He put out the fire that burned down the DFAC and Gym. They lived in tents and plywood buildings. Sometimes they slept on the Humvees. Extended for a year, had till the end of October left. He would only do that if he was making a difference. I think he was.

Daily Kos also had a nice writeup in memoriam which can be found here. Godspeed.

LT Ammon is the second Navy IA to be killed in action. A supply officer, CDR Murphy-Sweet, was killed by an IED in eastern Baghdad last year. He was a short-timer too.

LT Ammon (R.I.P.)

Congrats To the Academy Grads of 2008

Is this too demotivating?

Ah, yes. It's that time of the year for the graduation at the Naval Academy in Annapolis. I extend my congrats to the newest Ensigns of the Navy and 2LTs of the USMC. Primarily because their willingness to serve allows disgruntled O-3s like me to get out of the Navy (which I'll be doing early next year). It also takes me back to 2002 when I was commissioned at OCS and I was so excited to be serving my country and doing "God's work". In the words of Chuck Palahniuk, "That's how dumb I was". Allow me to give you youngsters unsolicited advice on being an officer so you don't make so many goddamn mistakes and/or fuck over the people you will be in charge of:

1) Good job on graduating from the Academy! Please limit your conservation about the Navy football team, plebe summer, and that crazy night you got in a fight with the West Point guys to a minimum. People aren't very interested in that in the real Navy (especially if they didn't go to the Academy).

2) Don't get a DUI, because you'll end up kicked off your ship and have to do a year in Afghanistan, Iraq, or Gitmo. If you want to do a tour over here, then wait until your shore tour. Don't worry, these places aren't going away in the next 5 years.

3) Never tell the CO/XO/Department Head about a problem with the ship that the Chief can fix.

4) For the male Ensigns, when you first show up on the ship someone will most likely jokingly grab your ass. How you react to this is very important and will affect how people treat you the rest of your time onboard.

5) If you act like a douchebag to the 3rd, 2nd, and 1st classes while you are qualifying, you will find your life to be incredibly difficult. Being an Ensign entitles you to not know shit, and you never learn anything from the people who know things by being arrogant.

6) The first time you get a serious ass-chewing from the XO about a problem you know absolutely nothing about, congrats! You are now part of the team and a useful officer in the Navy. Expect more of these on a daily basis from then on.

7) The Navy is generally hard work and not very glamorous (that's why it's called military "service"). However, a port call anywhere is a recipe for a good time. Most people denigrate Guam by calling it "Ghetto Hawaii" or "Give Up And Masturbate", but even this tiny island has Jeff's Pirate Cove, the happiest place on earth.

8) Ensure your time in Thailand is filled with debauchery and lust. However, make sure you have mastered the covert "package check" on the lovely Thai girl talking to you at the bar, because it's very difficult to tell the difference between a "him" and a "her". Very, very difficult.

9) If you think that you have scammed your way out of work on the ship, just remember that some other JO probably had to do the job that you wouldn't do.

10) While sometimes you have to be the bad guy as an officer, just remember that it is no excuse to be a douchebag, and make sure you watch out for everyone, both officer and enlisted. Act like Bill N' Ted and be excellent to each other.

Congrats to our newly commissioned officers. Thanks for your service.

On The Road Again

(Note: DFAC is Armyspeak for the place you eat)

My last two Navy buddies in Iraq are enroute to the states. I don't recognize any of these new faces around, and they seem to possess a certain bit of optimism and motivation worn across their face. I hate people like that. My superiors are asking me about how things used to be done last year, and I spent most of the day training the new guys. But that's good news in itself, because it is almost time to get the hell out of here.

While the need for anonymity is essential, I've posted pictures from the internet of the two Navy guys who are traveling and occassionally read this dumb blog, and also my own picture. They're close enough to the real thing, if you need to pick us out of the crowd. Please, take the time to fill us in on developments in America, as we've been gone for awhile. You know, any coups in Washington, new alien overlords, or what's the newest horror movie out that's worth seeing...shit like that.

Dave: Wardrobe solely consists of muscle tees and stone-washed/elastic-banded jeans

OleGreyDog: Enjoys post-modern literature, baby ruths

LT N: "Which one of you kids wants to help me bury the dead body?"